Confession: Mom Guilt

Confession: I have been feeling guilty for years about what kind of a mom I am.  Mom's out there ... you know what I mean: Mom Guilt.  It's as common as the common cold.  We compare ourselves to the other moms in the world and always find something lacking. The thing that's been bugging me lately are all my friends who are super awesome "Crafty Moms." You know, the kind that cut out paper hearts with their kids for Valentines Day and have an amazing bonding moment.  Or the moms who melt left over crayons into awesome new Super Crayons then spend the afternoon creating things.  Pinterest is full of ideas for the crafty mom to help her become the Wonder Woman of Moms.

But I am NOT a crafty mom.  I've beat myself up over this for quite some time now.  I was worried that I never enjoyed spending quality time with my kids.  Obviously I was an inferior mom.

This weekend I had an incredible awakening.  I am NOT a crafty mom, and let's face it, I never will be.  It just isn't my thing.  It isn't something I enjoy at all, so why would I enjoy doing it with my kids??? I WOULDN'T.  I'm also not a baking mom.  Making cookies with my kids completely stresses me out.  I'm definitely not a gardening mom, I kill anything that is green.

BUT ... I can totally be a sporty mom!!! I LOVE playing sports with my kids!!! Basketball, soccer, frisbee, freeze tag ... I. LOVE. IT.  It's something I enjoy doing, and so do my kids.  We've found our "thing."  I can't even describe to you how happy this makes me.  I wish there were words for it.  I love listening to them laugh and play together.  I love being outside with them and listening to them encourage each other.  I have to admit though ... it scares me that I might never have had the chance to be Sporty Mom.  What if I hadn't found a way to get more healthy?  What if I hadn't found the energy I need to be Sporty Mom?? Once again ... I am thankful Beach Body changed my life ...

Sporty Mom.  It has a nice ring to it. :)

Reflection Time

So I've been doing some more thinking ... and I have some more thoughts.  I know ... yikes :)

This last weekend was such an AMAZING weekend.  My husband had some time off so he was actually home, and it was the first time in a while that's it's just been the five of us.  We worked out together every morning, then did some stuff around the house, and spent the evenings at the park.  Today he had a rare day off work so we kept the kids home from school and went to the water park all day ... after doing Insanity in the morning of course.  And this is what got me thinking.

Taking my kids to the park has always been my "break" for the day.  I take them to play so I can chill for a bit and catch up with my peeps or read or whatever.  This weekend though, I didn't even WANT to chill.  I wanted to PLAY with my kids.  This is the first time I can remember in a long time where I have felt like, not only CAN I get up and play with my kids at the park, but I actually WANT to.  This is a new level of fitness for me.  When I first started exercising 6 days a week, it took all my energy.  If I would hold still in the afternoon for more than 5 minutes I would fall into a deep sleep.  Then I adjusted and I have found that it gives me a boost to workout every day.  It gives me what I need to make it through the rest of the day.  But this is the first time I have had tons of energy LEFT OVER after waking up and doing freaking Insanity before 7 a.m., cleaning and doing my regular mom-job, fixing dinner, etc. etc.  I LOVE this new part of my life.  Right now I don't care at all that I still weigh over 200 pounds or that there are fat rolls (although noticeably smaller fat rolls) hanging over the sides of my exercise shorts.  I can run and play with my kids again.  I WANT to run and play with my kids again.  I've done it before, but I always kind of have to force myself back onto my feet after a long day.  Not any more.

Insanity every morning.

THAT's why I do Insanity every freaking morning and make food choices every day that will nourish my body, not just taste delicious and give me calories.  And man is it worth it.  Every single drop of sweat.  Worth it.

Memories every night.

And lots of fun in between.

Excuse me while I rant for a bit ...

Okay ... normally I keep these posts limited to a few thoughts.  But this one idea has been bouncing around in my brain for too many days now, so it needs to come out.  Excuse me while I rant for a bit.

Stepping up on my soapbox:

The other day I was talking with a good friend of mine.  We were talking about life, Beach Body, how difficult it is to find time for myself to get a workout in every day, how tough it is to find, prepare and eat healthful foods all day every day, etc. etc. etc.  It came out that a friend of a friend of a friend (you know, that kind of story) had said something to her best girlfriend like "I have to be very careful of what I eat and how much weight I gain.  My husband told me straight up 'I will have an affair if you get fat.  I deserve to have sex with someone I think is hot' and I totally understand ... because that IS fair, and plus I want him to look hot too ..."

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.  Whoa.  Back up just a second ... You DESERVE to have sex with someone you think is hot ...

Wait.  Wait wait wait WAIT!  I sort of don't even know where to start with this statement ... But I'm going to start here ... Sex isn't something you DESERVE ... it's a gift that you GIVE to someone you love more than yourself.  It's loving another person so much that you open yourself to being completely vulnerable to them.  You give them EVERYTHING.  And they give you the same love in return.  It's about trust and commitment.  It's about children and families.  It has everything to do with love and tenderness and caring and LOVE ... Period.

The minute you start thinking you DESERVE something from your spouse you are fighting a losing battle.  I won't even get into how subjective the word "hot" is, or what being attracted to your spouse is really all about, or how much you change as you get older and if you think you deserve to have sex with someone who is hot then you think you deserve to leave your wife for AGING and marry a younger/"hotter" woman every ten years.  I'm calling the "BULL SHIZ!" GROW THE FREAK UP!  Shame on you for being with a man who is so shallow.  Shame on you for being a shallow jerk face.  Shame on all of us for getting to the point where we think sex is something we deserve.  Shame on all of us for allowing marriage to just be about sex.  Shame on us.

And stepping off.  Rant over.  For now.

So many thoughts ... so many ...

So much is going though my head today that I want to share.  But I think I'll start with this:

I LOVE EXERCISE!

There. I said it.  Phew.  I feel like I'm in a support group confessing being a traitor or something.  Because I haven't always loved it.  For a lot of years I hated it.  I rolled my eyes at exercise enthusiasts. They bugged me.  But they probably bugged me because deep inside I knew I should be exercising more.  Then I'd get the exercise bug and start working out and it was awesome ... for like 3 days ... then I'd start thinking: This is stupid.  It's too hard.  I can't do this every day for the rest of my life.  I hate skinny people.  I hate that I am the only person in the world (okay, slight exaggeration, but you get the idea) who has to exercise to be thin.  Yuck.  I hate it ... and eventually some legitimate excuse would come up and I'd miss a day, then two, then three and then I'd quit once again.

So when I started my first Beach Body Challenge Group I was excited.  Then I hated it.  I knew I couldn't keep doing it forever but I pushed myself, FORCED myself to exercise 6 days a week because I was a part of a group and I couldn't admit failure to them.  Then one day, I liked it.  It wasn't so bad.  And I know I've shared this part of the story before, but it is leading up to my new revelation ... are you ready for this: I LOVE EXERCISE!!! I'm not kidding.  I'm not exaggerating.  I am one of those annoying people who will do anything to get that workout in every day.  The more I have to do the next day, the earlier I get up to get the workout in because I know I will be lethargic all day without it.  I need it.  I crave it.  It MAKES ME HAPPY.

I find this even more significant based on the fact that I never wanted to be one of those people.  I never wanted to WANT to be one of those people.  And here I am.  To get to this level though, it took over a YEAR of exercising 6 days a week, 45-90 minutes a day.  Consistency.  That was the key.  Every. Single. Day. No. Matter. What.  And now, not only do I 'not mind' doing it, I NEED it.  I LOVE it.  It is a part of my life.  And I LOVE that I am able to enjoy other things more because my body has the strength to do them.  Hiking, swimming, playing with my kids ... all way more fun.  Consistency.  Consistency consistency consistency. Or ... for my fellow Potter Nerds ... CoNSTanT VigILAnce!!!

A moment to be thankful

It's results time again. I was finally able to get some updated photos ... And I couldn't be happier :) It takes such a long time to see results the way I am changing my life ... One small bit at a time. But the results are still coming.

As I was sitting at the dinner last Friday in my black dress, I looked around and realized as much as I am happy with the results I have gotten so far, I still just have so far to go. It's hard to not get discouraged. Especially as I watched these tiny girls down their entire dinner and a big piece of cheesecake. I wish I could eat cheesecake.

But then I realized, whether they are skinnier than I am doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I'm making choices everyday that will make me healthier and happier. I AM happier. And I am definitely healthier. And 20 years from now ... That's all that will really matter, not how small my little black dress is. Right?