A plea for help … and a promise to stop ignoring my Blog :)

*Discussion Time*

So this last month, as many of you know, I've been messing with my diet to try and figure out why my body won't let go of the last excess weight.  I researched and found some things to try: No dairy, No wheat/gluten/yeast of any kind and No sugars in ANY form, except a small amount of low-glycemic fruit and veggies.

Ouch.  It was a lot to adjust to.

As the month went one, I started to get more and more PISSY.  Yes, I just said pissy.  I was exercising every morning and I'd get that momentary high, but the fog of depression would start to slowly take over again.

Wednesday this week, it got so bad I literally sat on the couch and watched TV and ignored my kids.  I could feel it.  Real-live depression had set it.  It was getting too hard to fight.

And still I didn't make the connection with what I was eating, I figured it was the deployment depression finally setting in.

Yesterday, at the store, I finally decided I didn't care anymore about the stupid freaking diet.  I bought a big package of Peanut Butter M&M's.  I was ANGRY and depressed all morning.  When we got home from the store, I ate the ENTIRE bag of Peanut Butter M&M's.

Now normally when you eat like that … you start beating yourself up, right? Accusing yourself of being weak.

Not me.  I was in the BEST MOOD for the rest of the day.  Then the crash hit and I fell asleep for an hour, the kids destroyed the house, my son dumped almost an entire bag of pretzels on the floor then stomped on all of them.  I woke up to a disaster.  I DIDN'T care :) My husband emailed me to tell me that he will have to go on a training for 6 weeks about 8 weeks after he gets home.  Bummer.  But … OH WELL, I thought.

And that's when I realized … chemically I was okay again.  The only thing that changed was that freaking bag of peanut butter M&M's.  Huh.

I already know there is something wrong with my blood sugar because I get headaches if I don't eat something every three hours through the day. This just adds to the mystery of the blood sugar issue.  No sugars at all = depression.

So … the reason I am sharing all of this … I hope there is someone else out there who can benefit from my discovery.

And even more … I'm hoping someone out there knows what is wrong with me.  And they can tell me how to fix it :)

Here comes the plea … PLEASE share this with everyone you know, ask them if they know what to do …

In the meantime … I am adding all fruits, veggies and natural sugars in the form of Agave and Honey back into my diet, but staying dairy-free and gluten-free … just to be sure :)

I was in such a good mood this morning … I decided TurboFire was the perfect workout :) Boom Shakalaka!!! #pleasehelpme #bloodsugardiseases #shareit #smileyface

Oh the slacking ...

My poor little blog has suffered this summer ... but that is something I am going to remedy immediately :) Here is my small thought for today, to get myself ready for the weeks to come: my new goal for my blog, is to have it be full of things I want to be able to refer back to easily.  For example, my "how I got started on my journey" stories, or major milestones like, "hey! I just lost another 10 pounds" (I know that isn't a milestone for most people, but with how slowly I lose weight, every 10 pounds is a miracle worth acknowledging.)  Or, in some cases, my blog will have my favorite posts from Facebook ... so it will be a bit redundant, but it will be something I want to be able to find easily ... and Facebook isn't easy to find old posts on.

So there it is ... my goal is to write at least once a week, on Monday's.  I want to share my story, my "who I used to by and why" story, little by little.  Next Monday will be my first post ... stay tuned :)

Why I love what I do ...

For those of you who don't know ... I'm a Beach Body Coach.  I LOVE my job.  I love being able to help people find a way to live a healthier life no matter where they are right now.  But something else I love about being a Beach Body Coach ... is the people I have met who are just as passionate about what they do as I am.  Meet Carson Carothers.  He is a fellow Beach Body Coach.  And he and his wife are truly amazing.  If his story can help you or someone you know, please like his coach page and reach out to him.  He is just as passionate about helping people as I am.  The people he can help are different than the people I can help, and that is why I am sharing his story ... It takes a lot of courage to admit that your life isn't perfect.  But by doing so, you have the capacity to help so many others.  Thank you Carson, for being Courageous.

How I overcame depression, bipolar and alcoholism.

I’ve never shared my full story besides with a few close friends and family. 

Two years ago I literally hit my rock bottom! I was trapped in an alcoholic’s body and at the end of my rope. I had been abusing alcohol for probably 10 years. Nothing could satisfy whatever it was that I was running from. I drank every day; I was lying to my wife and family and had no control over myself. I was so far gone in my own misery and self doubt that I lost sight of everything important to me.

There was a point when I caught myself in the mirror one night (of course I was drunk) and I just stared at this total stranger in front of me. I literally could not recognize who was looking back at me. It’s hard to explain but it was a moment that I will never forget.

I knew that if I stayed on the path I was on I would lose everything. My wonderful wife was hurt, confused, and sad and had no idea how to help me or us. I was rarely available to my family. Physically I was there but emotionally I was not. I was slowly destroying myself but worse than that I was destroying everything my family was, a family.

This was also around the time my beautiful wife was diagnosed with Clark level 3 melanoma cancer and was pregnant with our second child. According to her doctor Clark level 3 is considered internal cancer. Everything seemed to be crumbling around us. She went through surgeries and was in a delicate situation because of the baby. The hospital visits were nonstop and finally the Doctors decided it was best for both her and the baby to induce and deliver early.

I will always hurt deep inside knowing that I was not the husband she needed and deserved during that scary and life altering experience. I had no idea what to do. Life didn’t seem to give me any answers.

To make a LONG story short I finally hit MY ROCK BOTTOM. I told my wife that I was willing to do whatever it took to be the man, husband, father, and friend I knew I could be. I went right away to a psychologist to learn about the disease I had. I needed to know my enemy inside and out if I was to win.

The doctors finally came to the conclusion that I was suffering from manic depression and a form of bipolar. I wasn’t surprised since the illness was something that I was very familiar with because it was so prevalent in my own house hold with many family members.

I grew up in a home seeing firsthand the devastation drugs and alcohol can do to a life. I saw suicide attempts in my own house, at young age I had already gone to family interventions and saw those close to me in and out of mental hospitals and group homes.

I remember when I was a sophomore in high school after a parent was hospitalized for another suicide attempt. I found 4 shoe boxes in a closet with mine and my brother’s names on them. Each had a letter for us and personal belongings explaining why they were being left behind for us each. I remember sinking to the floor totally overcome with emotions that I hope never visit me again.

I was now faced with two choices. Keep going down a familiar road I saw growing up that would lead to devastation, death and lifelong consequences for those closest to me. Or I could CHANGE and stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop making excuses. To believe I was good enough. To believe I deserved to be happy and to change my own family tree for the better.

I told my Doctors that I did not care what I am labeled or what I am called I just need to stop what I am doing to myself and my family. I got on medications and went cold Turkey May 5th 2011.

I sought help every where I could find it. I stopped lying to myself and others and came clean to family and friends so that I could have accountability and support.
I checked myself into an outpatient rehabilitation program and let nothing stop me from going every night after work. I learned coping tools and was giving ammunition to fight my battles instead of hiding from them. I also learned that no matter how bad I thought I might have it that there are others out there with difficulties much larger than my own. I learned, read and studied on what the best course of action would be for me to stay clean and healthy for the rest of my life. I had to find something to replace self medicating with alcohol.

I feel that once I started to truly give my best and do my part GOD placed in front of me something that would help me be the best I could be and to battle the life long war I will always be in.

My wife bought Insanity and Shakeology for both of us and we followed the program, drank Shakeology and lived the meal planner exactly how it was laid out for us.

Instead of feeding myself poison every day I started eating the healthiest foods and nutrients I could find. My body literally started responding quickly and positively once I started eating clean and fresh foods every day. I found that regular exercise and health foods controlled my weaknesses to the point I know that I can overcome ANYTHING!

Now over 2 years later I am still sober and clean. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I am now involved in the fitness industry part time as a Beachbody coach, helping others find how eating right and exercise can literally change almost every aspect of our lives. I now have big dreams, confidence, and love instead of hate in my heart. I have PASSION, faith and most importantly a wife and children that can say they are proud of me.

However I am not naive to the truth that I will always be an alcoholic. I literally pray every day with gratitude for the help, love, support and tools that keep me strong each and every day.

I have learned that no matter how difficult life can be we can overcome. I believe GOD will never give us a challenge in this life that is impossible for us to beat.

I share my story for one reason only. If I can help one person out there find the courage to get help no matter their ailment or struggle, to realize that nothing is impossible, or to believe in themselves and their abilities to live a life of joy and happiness then sharing this was worth it.

If you feel that my story might help someone out there then please share it. All it takes is clicking “share”. You never know just who it might help -

I have the best news ever ...

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I updated my blog.  For those of you who also follow my page  Half the Woman I Was on Facebook, you have been able to follow a few more of the ups and downs of the last month or so.  My life has been complete chaos since my last post, but I will talk more about that in my next few blog posts.  Back to the main story ...

So for the last three weeks I was finally able to stick pretty much 100% to the new Eat Right for your Type eating plan.  A quick recap, for all type O blood types:

Avoid eating all:

Wheat Guten (tough one)
Corn (corn is in freaking EVERYTHING)
Navy Beans (Easy)
Kidney Beans (Not a big deal)
Lentils (Fine)
Cauliflower (I can do that)
Cabbage (Okay)

Eat More:

Lean Red Meat (YESSSSS)
Seafood (Love it!)
Kale (Okay)
Spinach (Mmmm)
Broccoli (Hooray!)
Kelp (turns out it's a spice ;) )

I checked when I first got to my parents house in Utah, and I was at 212 pounds, at least it was 2 pounds under the initial window of 217-214!!  And that was with just small modifications to my diet since I had to finish eating the food I currently had in our house before we left for the summer :)

Then this weekend, after three weeks of fully committing to the changes in food, I finally checked again ... 207.2. 5 pounds!!!!!! 7 pounds down since I first read the Eat Right for your Type!!! I couldn't freaking believe it!!! My calories are still the same, all that changed were those few things!!!!!!  I know 7 pounds might not be a lot for some of you ... but in my little world, where I was stuck for 6 months in the same window of 217-214 ... well, this is a BIG FREAKING DEAL!!!!

On top of that ... I finally finished Insanity ... and I killed it :)

I'm calling the last month a HUGE SUCCESS.  Boo-ya :)

This is my Before and After Insanity Results ... Crazy.

And from the side ... 

The results are in ...

And it isn't what I was hoping for.  All my blood work came back with normal levels.  No thyroid, insulin, or PCOS that is holding me back from making progress.  (On the bright side, I'm not diabetic or pre-diabetic and my cholesterol level is totally awesome. Also, it's nice to not depend on a pill for the rest of my life to be healthy.)

I'm not going to lie though ... I cried.  This time they were tears of discouragement.  There is no simple solution to my struggles.  The first thing I thought was "I want to eat an entire pan of brownies, because what difference will it make anyway?"  But I'm not going to.  Brownies aren't a solution to the problem either.

So.  New game plan ... the nurse who called said she has also struggled with all the same things.  She said she finally read the book "Eat Right For Your Type" and it was the thing that finally worked for her.  The good news is ... I already have the book.  I'm going to try that first.  I'll keep you posted.

Will you all do something for me?? This is all I want from this journey that I am on ... I want you to stop looking at people who are overweight and thinking to yourself the words "lazy, fat, gross, unhappy, ugly, disgusting, or sad" and stop yourself entirely from thinking "if they just had some will power they could change the way they look."  Stop it.  Especially if you are thinking those things about yourself.  Stop it now.  I know for a fact that I am literally working twice as hard as I should need to ... and I still don't have the slim, fit body that I want.  Life is unfair.  But it isn't going to stop me from trying.  And while I'm working through this I'm going to continue focusing on changing the way I look at myself.  I am beautiful.  I am healthy.  I am Freaking Strong.  And the rest will just have to work itself out.

Holy Crap ...

So as most of you know, I've been struggling for about 5 months now with losing weight.  I have felt like I was working my freaking butt off, being super strict with how and what I was eating, getting excited to finally see results ... and nothing.  A big fat 3 pound window.  I kept hearing a lot of suggestions, (which I STILL really appreciate!!) most of which were: are you sure you're eating as little as you think? are you sure you are actually exercising and burning as many calories as you think?? So I would work harder and eat more restrictive.  Push and push and push.  NOTHING.

Five months after I first plateaued I realized I needed to figure out exactly what was going on.  I bought a food scale to be sure I could weigh and measure EVERYTHING I ate and track it in MyFitnessPal.  I bought a Body Sensor to track EXACTLY how many calories I was burning every day.

I've only been tracking for 3 days ... but already I'm seeing a crazy trend:  Day 1 = 1600 calorie DEFICIT.  Day 2 = 2100 calorie DEFICIT.  Day 3 = 2000 calorie DEFICIT.  Uh ... that is WAY too high a deficit.  No matter what.  And this has been a very typical week.  I purposely tried to not work harder than normal or eat differently than I have for the last 5 months.

So it can really only be one of two things:

1) My thyroid isn't working right.

2) Starvation-mode is a REAL thing and my body is completely freaking out and refusing to lose weight because it isn't getting nearly enough calories.

I have spoken with a couple of Personal Trainers who have said they don't recommend more than a 1000 calorie deficit on any day, and even that is REALLY HARD to maintain.  YES IT FREAKING IS!! And I'm pretty sure I've been doing it for at LEAST 5 months, if not more.  Yikes.  No wonder I kept getting frustrated when people would suggest I needed to work harder or eat less ...

Moral of the story ... I should have invested in a food scale and a body sensor right from the start.  Go buy one.  Now.  Just do it.  Figure out exactly what you are doing right and where you can improve. End of story.

My biggest obstacle ... Was ME.

So I've been thinking for a few days now about what I would write as a guest blog spot. Something about an obstacle I have overcome in my weight loss journey. And I decided I needed to be honest with myself ... and if I was going to be honest with myself then I needed to admit that my biggest obstacle in starting my own weight loss journey was ME. Or more accurately, my attitude. For a lot of years I was angry and defensive about my body and the extra weight I was carrying around. It wasn't my FAULT. It was genetics. It was kids. It wasn't fair. I had a really stressful life. I was too tired. No one else had to work as hard as I did to lose weight. Why should I have to work so freaking hard? Why did I have to never eat my favorite foods?? Etc etc and on and on. And slowly, year after year the pounds kept coming on. It was so freaking UNFAIR. I had a friend who, when she decided she needed to lose some weight, she switched to Diet Soda over Regular Soda and immediately lost 15 pounds. ARG!!! I'm going assume we all know someone like that, yes? Well, guess what. LIFE ISN'T FAIR. It just isn't. I would change the way I ate, exercise every day for 6 weeks and GAIN 7 pounds. So I would give up entirely. Obviously it was going to be way too hard to change my life. And it WAS too hard. Let me be completely honest. It would have been way too hard to keep going if it never got easier. Then a friend of mine offered me a spot in her Beach Body Challenge Group right after my husband left for his 3rd combat deployment. I was a stressed out mess of a stay-at-home-single-mom who had three small kids and no support system. I didn't think Beach Body could offer me anything different than everything I had tried before. But I figured, "what do I have to lose." I doubted it would work. I didn't want to change my whole life. I didn't want to give up my favorite foods. I didn't want to count calories. I didn't want to workout every day. I didn't even want to WANT to work out every day. But, I committed to the Challenge Group because all I had to focus on was: 1) Exercise 6 days a week following a set workout schedule from my own home and 2) Replace one meal a day with Shakeology. I could do that. And then the Challenge Group started and once again I HATED how hard it was. I HATED working out every single day. The ShakeO was fine but that was the ONLY thing I changed about my diet. I REFUSED to change anything else. For two months I hated every day that I woke up and remembered "ah crap, I HAVE TO FREAKING WORKOUT TODAY!" (See how happy I was about it??) But one day ... out of no where, about two months into the Challenge Group ... I realized ... "holy crap, I don't hate this anymore." I still didn't love it. But I didn't hate it either. I finished my first 90 day Challenge Group and started my second. By the end of the second group I had become one of those crazy people who talks about how much they love to exercise. I HATED people like that!!!! I used to say to myself and to any of my friends that would listen to me complain ... "if only I was one of those people who loved exercise ... my whole life would be different. But I'm NOT. I'm just NOT one of those people. I never will be." Oh how I've eaten my own words. And I couldn't be more grateful. Ever. About anything. I LOVE MY NEW LIFE. And I LOVE my new attitude. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to. Period.

I Pinky Swear ...

So I have been reading a personal development book for a while now ... "PUSH" by Chalene Johnson (which I HIGHLY recommend.)  It's about time management, setting goals, and getting healthy and it is LIFE CHANGING.  Anyway ... you set goals through the course of the book and she teaches you how to achieve them.  One of the things she recommends is sharing your goals with people who will keep you accountable.  I've decided You are those people that I want to share my Health Goal with, and I need you all to keep me accountable :)

It took me a long time to come up with my "Health Goal." A goal that would make all other health related goals attainable ... if that makes sense.  It used to be "weigh 150 pounds." But I decided that was a lame goal.  It was forcing me to focus too much on numbers.  My original health goal was "to be more healthy by 35 than I was at 25." But honestly ... I've already reached that goal.  I don't weigh the same, but I AM more healthy.  I exercise every single day instead of playing soccer twice a week for 3 hours at a time.  And when I was 25 I was just at the end of being a "starving student" so I KNOW the way I eat is so so so much healthier.  Still, it's pretty awesome that I'm almost 35, a mother of 3 and a stay at home mom and I'm Healthier than I was at 25, yes????

Okay so I needed a new goal.  And I had to really really think about this.  A logical one would be "run a marathon ... " but I Hate running, don't even want to do it.  Something along those lines though ... I was stumped.  And then I found my goal.  I found my perfect "this is what I want from life" Health Goal.  And I'm sharing it with all of you for accountability.

"I promise that I will love the way I look by the end of this year."

See what I did there?? No specific number, but it's still achievable.  And it's more than just a try and lose weight (which I am STILL GOING TO DO.  I Will get past this plateau, I Will figure it out!!) It will also require that I work on my own positive self image.  Not just a physical thing but an emotional thing.  And I love it.  I love this new goal.  So that's it.  You are now my accountability friends.  And I appreciate it more than I can say.

It's time to get real

People .... another month has gone by ... and I'm stuck in that same 3 pound window.  UGH!!! Okay, to be fair ... I HAVE lost 5 inches over all since I started Insanity.  And I know inches are what really matter ... But STILL!!! It's been 5 months since I've really been below this 3 pound window (214-217). Up and down up and down.  The last time I got lower than this was doing the Ultimate Reset in October.  Since then it's been right inside this window, except for a couple of weeks when I got back up over 220.  Now ... if I was down to say 155 or 160 and I just couldn't get my body under that ... I would be totally fine.  I would just chalk it up to "maybe this is just how much my body needs to weigh." But I know 215 can't be my final weight loss point.  It just can't.  Ask any doctor, they will tell you I am still obese.

So ... now what? I have religiously kept my calories to 1400-1600, I eat the healthiest version of everything I can, and I sincerely ask myself before I eat "what is it my body NEEDS to eat" and almost never indulge in any kind of sweets.  I drink 4-5 liters of water every day.  I'm seriously asking ... what else is there? What am I doing wrong?? Anyone who has lost more than 60 pounds ... did the weight just keep coming off or did you hit a plateau? What did you do to break it??

Today I am posting pictures of one of my first Fit Clubs ever and one from today, because I can see a real difference ... and I need to be reminded that it's a journey, and I still wouldn't go back and change a thing.

Exercise is on my mind

Next soap box topic ... hmmmm, it's possible I have way too many soap boxes.  Oh well ... anyway...

Exercise.  It's been on my mind lately.  I've talked about my personal journey from hating "I HAVE to work out every day" to NEEDING my daily dose of endorphins.  But that's not today's topic ... the thing I keep thinking about is "exercising to lose weight. " A lot of people exercise to lose weight.  And exercise IS an important part of any weight loss journey for many reasons.  It helps you get more energy, build muscles, and muscles burn more calories at rest than fat does, and one of my favorite side effects ... you get a lot more self confidence.  Even if you aren't the skinny girl at the gym, you're the fat girl on a bike ... you feel better about yourself.  You feel embowered.  THAT is why I exercise.  For that feeling of empowerment.  And to be healthy.  I exercise to be healthy.

Losing weight really is all about the nutrition ... which is obviously something I'm still struggling to find a balance for.  But the exercise, that I can do.  Every day.  And I love it.  I won't miss it.  It takes me about an hour and a half to get dressed, exercise, shower and get dressed again for the day.  An hour and a half out of the day that I focus on myself. And it's worth every minute.  Even ask my kids.  We have a lot more fun together now, even with that extra hour and a half of "not focusing on my kids."

So it begs the question: What kind of exercise is the best kind of exercise? or What do I do if I hate exercising? And it's the same answer ... from one of my favorite books "Push" by Chalene Johnson (I highly recommend it) "the best kind of exercise is the kind that you'll do." So it isn't about Insanity VS Running a Marathon ... we're all on the same team.  If the gym is the one place you know you'll exercise, go to the gym.  If running is your thing, run.  At least to start out, you have to find something you don't mind doing so much, until you love it.  Then once you LOVE exercise just for exercising, you can experiment and see if there are actually other things out there for you to love.  I always thought I had to run to exercise and get in shape.  Turns out there were a LOT more options.  I was able to force myself to exercise every day at first because I LOVE P90X.  I didn't know I could love anything that much.  Soccer was always my love.  But it was just too hard with being a single mom 80% of the time to be able to play a team sport out of the house.  Now I've found something I can do from home, still spend the majority of my time with my kids, I don't have to pay for a babysitter ... and I'm a LOT more healthy and my self confidence is soaring. FIND YOUR SOUL MATE WORKOUT!!!!! I only wish I would have found it 10 years ago ... don't wait any longer, go out and find it!

It's on my mind too much

I read an article posted by a friend of mine the other day ... and I've been thinking about it ever since.  The things I've thought about, as I've contemplated what it is about the article that has pricked me over and over, well, they are worth sharing.  I highly recommend reading the article first, because the rest of this will only really make sense if you do :)

Here's the thing ... I actually agree with at least 85% of everything the author says.  I enjoyed it.  Being a mom is a BUSY job and it really doesn't leave me with a lot of time for myself every day.  In fact, if I didn't wake up early to get my workout in before my kids woke up, it would most likely never get done.  So why did this article stir me up??  Here is what I came up with...

I completely and totally agree that the "world's" version of beauty and thinness and happiness all being mixed up together is completely MESSED UP.  I have so many many BEAUTIFUL girl friends of all different shapes and sizes.  They are all beautiful BECAUSE they look different.  It's like the saying in the Disney Movie the Incredibles: If everyone [had small noses] no one would.  Feel free to insert any phrase into those brackets: big eyes, small waists, thin hips, big boobs ... whatever it is about yourself that you wish you could change.  We are ALL beautiful ladies!  Period.  Start focusing on the things you DO like about yourself and stop obsessing about the things you wish you could change ... be happy with who you are.

Where I run into trouble is trying to reconcile this strong strong strong belief I have that women need to start creating their own positive body image and STOP comparing themselves to other women ... with the fact that I'm now changing so much about my life and my body and ... I really am happier.

I get it now though ... ready for this ... I'm not happier because of the way I look ... if that were true, I wouldn't be happy at all because, honestly, how many of you ladies could say you would be ecstatic to weigh 214 pounds??? Right??? (Only those of us who have been bigger ... perspective :)) But I still have so far to go to reach my "healthy body weight" ... that it CAN'T be that.

I'm happier because I am already living a HEALTHY LIFE STYLE.  I eat well, fuel my body, and give myself a boost of energy every single day with exercise.  Exercise gives people endorphins ... endorphins make people happy ... and happy people don't hate themselves.  They just don't.

But to get back to the article ... I love that this man loves his wife just for who she is.  I am SO thankful I have a man like that in my life.  The only thing I would say is this: don't let your kids be your EXCUSE for not living a healthy lifestyle.  There are a lot of excuses out there. You really will have More energy and More happiness and More self-confidence to share with your kids if you take the hour or so a day to make yourself more healthy ... and THAT will make you a Better Mom.

The End.

Grrrrrrrr.

I've gained 3 pounds since my husband came back.  Blast.  And we've been BUSY! And I know weight is just a number, but still ... it's frustrating. It has to be my nutrition ... and I have a new theory ... I don't think it is because my husband likes some unhealthy food every now and then so I don't have the will power to resist when he eats it ... I think it's because I stop working towards a specific GOAL once he is back! When he's gone I think to myself all the time "I have to work harder today, I need to look good by the time he gets back." Or "I can't eat that right now, I have to look good when he comes home." You know?? So, I'm going to try something absolutely revolutionary ... I'm going to set some goals while he is still home.  I know, crazy right? And, since you all know everything about me anyway, I'm going to share my goals with you, to keep me accountable: 8 weeks from now I want to weigh less than 200 pounds.  16 pounds ... it's a high amount, but totally do-able.  I will check in every week to keep you posted on how it is going.  GULP!!! Here we go ...

Confession: Mom Guilt

Confession: I have been feeling guilty for years about what kind of a mom I am.  Mom's out there ... you know what I mean: Mom Guilt.  It's as common as the common cold.  We compare ourselves to the other moms in the world and always find something lacking. The thing that's been bugging me lately are all my friends who are super awesome "Crafty Moms." You know, the kind that cut out paper hearts with their kids for Valentines Day and have an amazing bonding moment.  Or the moms who melt left over crayons into awesome new Super Crayons then spend the afternoon creating things.  Pinterest is full of ideas for the crafty mom to help her become the Wonder Woman of Moms.

But I am NOT a crafty mom.  I've beat myself up over this for quite some time now.  I was worried that I never enjoyed spending quality time with my kids.  Obviously I was an inferior mom.

This weekend I had an incredible awakening.  I am NOT a crafty mom, and let's face it, I never will be.  It just isn't my thing.  It isn't something I enjoy at all, so why would I enjoy doing it with my kids??? I WOULDN'T.  I'm also not a baking mom.  Making cookies with my kids completely stresses me out.  I'm definitely not a gardening mom, I kill anything that is green.

BUT ... I can totally be a sporty mom!!! I LOVE playing sports with my kids!!! Basketball, soccer, frisbee, freeze tag ... I. LOVE. IT.  It's something I enjoy doing, and so do my kids.  We've found our "thing."  I can't even describe to you how happy this makes me.  I wish there were words for it.  I love listening to them laugh and play together.  I love being outside with them and listening to them encourage each other.  I have to admit though ... it scares me that I might never have had the chance to be Sporty Mom.  What if I hadn't found a way to get more healthy?  What if I hadn't found the energy I need to be Sporty Mom?? Once again ... I am thankful Beach Body changed my life ...

Sporty Mom.  It has a nice ring to it. :)

Reflection Time

So I've been doing some more thinking ... and I have some more thoughts.  I know ... yikes :)

This last weekend was such an AMAZING weekend.  My husband had some time off so he was actually home, and it was the first time in a while that's it's just been the five of us.  We worked out together every morning, then did some stuff around the house, and spent the evenings at the park.  Today he had a rare day off work so we kept the kids home from school and went to the water park all day ... after doing Insanity in the morning of course.  And this is what got me thinking.

Taking my kids to the park has always been my "break" for the day.  I take them to play so I can chill for a bit and catch up with my peeps or read or whatever.  This weekend though, I didn't even WANT to chill.  I wanted to PLAY with my kids.  This is the first time I can remember in a long time where I have felt like, not only CAN I get up and play with my kids at the park, but I actually WANT to.  This is a new level of fitness for me.  When I first started exercising 6 days a week, it took all my energy.  If I would hold still in the afternoon for more than 5 minutes I would fall into a deep sleep.  Then I adjusted and I have found that it gives me a boost to workout every day.  It gives me what I need to make it through the rest of the day.  But this is the first time I have had tons of energy LEFT OVER after waking up and doing freaking Insanity before 7 a.m., cleaning and doing my regular mom-job, fixing dinner, etc. etc.  I LOVE this new part of my life.  Right now I don't care at all that I still weigh over 200 pounds or that there are fat rolls (although noticeably smaller fat rolls) hanging over the sides of my exercise shorts.  I can run and play with my kids again.  I WANT to run and play with my kids again.  I've done it before, but I always kind of have to force myself back onto my feet after a long day.  Not any more.

Insanity every morning.

THAT's why I do Insanity every freaking morning and make food choices every day that will nourish my body, not just taste delicious and give me calories.  And man is it worth it.  Every single drop of sweat.  Worth it.

Memories every night.

And lots of fun in between.

Excuse me while I rant for a bit ...

Okay ... normally I keep these posts limited to a few thoughts.  But this one idea has been bouncing around in my brain for too many days now, so it needs to come out.  Excuse me while I rant for a bit.

Stepping up on my soapbox:

The other day I was talking with a good friend of mine.  We were talking about life, Beach Body, how difficult it is to find time for myself to get a workout in every day, how tough it is to find, prepare and eat healthful foods all day every day, etc. etc. etc.  It came out that a friend of a friend of a friend (you know, that kind of story) had said something to her best girlfriend like "I have to be very careful of what I eat and how much weight I gain.  My husband told me straight up 'I will have an affair if you get fat.  I deserve to have sex with someone I think is hot' and I totally understand ... because that IS fair, and plus I want him to look hot too ..."

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.  Whoa.  Back up just a second ... You DESERVE to have sex with someone you think is hot ...

Wait.  Wait wait wait WAIT!  I sort of don't even know where to start with this statement ... But I'm going to start here ... Sex isn't something you DESERVE ... it's a gift that you GIVE to someone you love more than yourself.  It's loving another person so much that you open yourself to being completely vulnerable to them.  You give them EVERYTHING.  And they give you the same love in return.  It's about trust and commitment.  It's about children and families.  It has everything to do with love and tenderness and caring and LOVE ... Period.

The minute you start thinking you DESERVE something from your spouse you are fighting a losing battle.  I won't even get into how subjective the word "hot" is, or what being attracted to your spouse is really all about, or how much you change as you get older and if you think you deserve to have sex with someone who is hot then you think you deserve to leave your wife for AGING and marry a younger/"hotter" woman every ten years.  I'm calling the "BULL SHIZ!" GROW THE FREAK UP!  Shame on you for being with a man who is so shallow.  Shame on you for being a shallow jerk face.  Shame on all of us for getting to the point where we think sex is something we deserve.  Shame on all of us for allowing marriage to just be about sex.  Shame on us.

And stepping off.  Rant over.  For now.

So many thoughts ... so many ...

So much is going though my head today that I want to share.  But I think I'll start with this:

I LOVE EXERCISE!

There. I said it.  Phew.  I feel like I'm in a support group confessing being a traitor or something.  Because I haven't always loved it.  For a lot of years I hated it.  I rolled my eyes at exercise enthusiasts. They bugged me.  But they probably bugged me because deep inside I knew I should be exercising more.  Then I'd get the exercise bug and start working out and it was awesome ... for like 3 days ... then I'd start thinking: This is stupid.  It's too hard.  I can't do this every day for the rest of my life.  I hate skinny people.  I hate that I am the only person in the world (okay, slight exaggeration, but you get the idea) who has to exercise to be thin.  Yuck.  I hate it ... and eventually some legitimate excuse would come up and I'd miss a day, then two, then three and then I'd quit once again.

So when I started my first Beach Body Challenge Group I was excited.  Then I hated it.  I knew I couldn't keep doing it forever but I pushed myself, FORCED myself to exercise 6 days a week because I was a part of a group and I couldn't admit failure to them.  Then one day, I liked it.  It wasn't so bad.  And I know I've shared this part of the story before, but it is leading up to my new revelation ... are you ready for this: I LOVE EXERCISE!!! I'm not kidding.  I'm not exaggerating.  I am one of those annoying people who will do anything to get that workout in every day.  The more I have to do the next day, the earlier I get up to get the workout in because I know I will be lethargic all day without it.  I need it.  I crave it.  It MAKES ME HAPPY.

I find this even more significant based on the fact that I never wanted to be one of those people.  I never wanted to WANT to be one of those people.  And here I am.  To get to this level though, it took over a YEAR of exercising 6 days a week, 45-90 minutes a day.  Consistency.  That was the key.  Every. Single. Day. No. Matter. What.  And now, not only do I 'not mind' doing it, I NEED it.  I LOVE it.  It is a part of my life.  And I LOVE that I am able to enjoy other things more because my body has the strength to do them.  Hiking, swimming, playing with my kids ... all way more fun.  Consistency.  Consistency consistency consistency. Or ... for my fellow Potter Nerds ... CoNSTanT VigILAnce!!!

A moment to be thankful

It's results time again. I was finally able to get some updated photos ... And I couldn't be happier :) It takes such a long time to see results the way I am changing my life ... One small bit at a time. But the results are still coming.

As I was sitting at the dinner last Friday in my black dress, I looked around and realized as much as I am happy with the results I have gotten so far, I still just have so far to go. It's hard to not get discouraged. Especially as I watched these tiny girls down their entire dinner and a big piece of cheesecake. I wish I could eat cheesecake.

But then I realized, whether they are skinnier than I am doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I'm making choices everyday that will make me healthier and happier. I AM happier. And I am definitely healthier. And 20 years from now ... That's all that will really matter, not how small my little black dress is. Right?

Confession: There is a monster living inside me

Seriously.  A Monster.  A Sugar Monster.  I've got him kind of subdued most of the time, but every once in a while I eat something extremely delicious and sugary ... and it awakens the Monster.  Suddenly I'm craving sugar like you wouldn't believe.  Brownies, cookies, candy, ice cream ... and it's pretty much impossible to calm the Monster, impossible to satisfy him.  Actually, the only thing I have found that works is ... a detox.  I cut out EVERYTHING.  When I spend 3-4 days at 1200 calories with only Shakeology and salad, veggies and chicken or fish to eat ... the Monster gets silenced and I can go back to normal eating.  The Monster was awakened this weekend ... it's detox time.  Wish me luck :)

YUM!

Lesson Learned: Crap, it really is up to me

When I used to hear people say "Happiness is a Choice" ... I would mumble it back to myself in the snarkiest voice possible, "Mmappinessss niz a choisss, blah!" you know, like a child.  "It's a load of bull to say I can decide if I want to be happy when life gives you some crazy Shiz to deal with and I'm just not going to be happy all the time."  Am I right or am I right???

Yeah, I'm right ... I'm not happy ALL the time.

But what I didn't get was ... I can still be happy. If I choose to be.

"Um, that's exactly what they said ..."

Yeah, it is.  I just didn't understand it.  Now I do.  I still have days when I'm screaming mad.  I still get angry with my kids.  I still get upset when things don't go the way I want them too.  But then I get over it, and I'm happy.  I can even be happy for OTHER people's happiness.  That's sort of the secret.  To get to a place in your life where you can "change the things you don't like, and accept the things you can't change." Then suddenly you aren't mad at everyone else for having what you don't have.  Does that make sense?? It will ... when you are truly happy.

There is no "secret formula" for happiness.  But I can tell you what worked for me.

Before, when I would try to start exercising and get healthy, about a week or two into it I would think to myself "I can NOT do THIS for the rest of my life.  If this is what it takes to be healthy then it isn't worth it."  And I was right, if it would always be as hard as it is right at first, there is no way you could maintain that indefinitely.  What I didn't know was ... it gets easier ... or better said ... you get stronger.  Each new change you make is TOUGH.  And it stays tough until you get stronger.  I wish there would have been someone to tell me not to give up, because the strength to go on was just a few more weeks away.  So I'm going to share it with you:

Don't give up.  The strength to go on is just a few more weeks away.  I promise.

And then, one day when you are strong enough and you suddenly realize you've changed your whole life around ... you'll be happy.  Because you choose to be.

Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy.  For reals.

Success: THIS is progress

So this is a little weird to explain, stick with me for a minute. So yesterday I ha a tiny cyst taken off my neck. No big deal, just an hour with local anesthetic. But there ended up being a LOT of stitches. Still, not a big deal, except I can't get them wet at all for two days. Which means ... No workout for me today. And here is where the success comes in. I was REALLY disappointed about not being able to do Insanity today. Like totally bummed!! As soon as I realized how bummed I was ... I started to get excited. A year ago I would have been excited for the legitimate excuse not to HAVE to workout. Man, that's some serious progress. Right??? Happy dance for myself today. Happy happy happy :)

Success: To become an object in Motion

 Someone posed an awesome question in one of my Challenge Groups today ... it's awesome enough to share and discuss: What finally changes in someone that keeps them exercising and eating well?? I'm totally bugged with myself. Am I afraid of something??

I don't have all the answers, I still haven't figured everything out yet ... but I know that something HAS changed in me ... and it made me think back and figure out what it was that finally made me change.  And I found the answer: Consistency.  Consistency and a LOT of will power.

So it turns out will power is just another muscle.  You have to use it or lose it.  A physics lesson comes to mind: Objects in motion, stay in motion. Objects at rest, stay at rest.  To become an object in motion that was once at rest, you HAVE TO EXPEND THE ENERGY. Period.  And if you have been at rest for a lot of years, you aren't going to jump right into a new routine and love it.  You can't just make yourself suddenly be in motion.  You push and push and push and push and push.  You fight your old self.  You make decision after decision after decision to stay and fight.  Sure sometimes you slip, but you just pick yourself back up and keep pushing again.  And again.  And again.  And then one day ... you're in motion.  And it gets easier.  And you still push, but now you're stronger and pushing is easier.  

My bestest most importantest advice ... Only fight one battle at a time.  Pick one thing and make it better.  Then when that is easy, pick another.  Then another.  So one little habit at a time you change your whole world.  What battle are you picking today? 

Day

After Day

After Day

After Day

After Day

After Day

After Day

After Day

Fight to be in motion

Success: Goodbye Plateau

It's been too long since I posted in my blog. I've been busy. Also ... It turns out eating really low calories bums me out and gives me very little energy :)

But ... Drum roll please ... Badadadadadada ...

I'm loosing weight again. 4 days of 1200 calories on a Shakeology cleanse and I started dropping too fast. I moved back up to fluctuating between 1400-1600, just to keep my body guessing. And it's working. I lost 8 pounds in two weeks. And now I've settled back into a comfortable 2-3 pounds per week. It's tough to stay disciplined in eating. 1500 calories adds up fast, even eating healthy. But I feel like I've hit a comfortable level, something I can maintain over time, with an occasional indulge day just to keep my body guessing. Plus, I started a new workout and I'm ready to build some more muscle!

But first ... I'm going to relax by the pool in Waikiki. Priorities you know? :)

Success: It's working

So it's working. I checked this morning and I'm down 4 pounds. BUT ... Now what? Is a week too long to stay at such low calories?? Will my body kick into starvation mode? If I add in more calories will all the weight come back on?? I actually need help on this one. What now?? My thinking is to change nothing for 5 days, except add in 300 calories of protein, healthy fats, and veggies. Good idea or bad idea?? Help!

Success: Day 3

This is my tired face. So tired.

This is my third day of keeping my calories at 1200 or right in that range.  I am determined to kick this plateau.  I want to go really low for a week, then I'm going to follow Beach Body's meal planner for a month.  I can feel the determination in me.  I'm going to do it this time.  I'm NOT a quitter.  Ever. Well, okay sometimes, but mostly, I don't like to quit.  Sadly, my kids inherited this same quality from me, stubborn as all get out!! Anyway ... My thoughts over the last few days have progressed something like this: Ugh, this is so unfair... Okay, this isn't so bad, I can do this ... I CAN do this ... I am going to DO this ... Hmmm, it's okay that life is unfair and I have to work so hard to be healthy because I'm learning how strong I really am ... I'm freaking STRONG ... oh man, I'm exhausted ... I think I need more sleep.  And that is where I am at this morning.  Tired.  But ... determined.  I'll keep you posted :)

Confession: It's Plateau Time

Boo for stupid Plateaus. Booooo.

I've hit the proverbial Plateau.  Well, not so much proverbial ... as real. Lame.  I did some research and I've found some things I can try.  The first thing I tried was increasing my calories for a week.  I know it sounds crazy, but what I found out was that all the new muscles my body has can start screaming for more food and start telling your body that it is starving to death.  When that happens Cortisol kicks in and stops your body from losing any fat/weight.  What a stupid hormone!!! Anyway, it didn't work.  I gained THREE pounds last week.  Blast.  So, my next step, time to drop the calories again.  I'm going to try a drastic drop for just one week, down to 1200 calories, then bump it back up to a regular 1500.  If that doesn't help over the next two weeks, I'm also going to change up my workout program and try and push even harder.  Which I will do either way because it's time for a change :)  I will keep you all posted.  I'm ready to start progressing again.  I'm tired of the same numbers over and over.

Confession: This still bites

It's been a rough week, I'm not gonna lie.  I went to the doctor yesterday just to get a referral for an eye disease I have had for the last 8 years (long boring story).  I was so excited to go and have them notice how much weight I have lost.  And I was curious to see how my blood pressure was doing.  It's been in the 138/85 range since I was in college.  I just knew it was finally going to be at healthy levels. I have so many friends doing Beach Body programs that have gone off high blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, stomach meds, anti-depressants ... you name it!!

My blood pressure was 143/88.  So they took it again ... 138/83

 So after talking with the doctor about my eye I just asked "I'm a little concerned that my blood pressure is still so high..." She looks at me and says "well you might need to shed a few pounds and start exercising and eating better."

SOAKED in sweat and flaming red face!!!

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" was my first thought.  So I told her "I don't know if you looked at my chart before you came in here ... but I HAVE lost a lot of weight.  And I workout EVERY SINGLE MORNING." She just looked at me ... then said "well, what do you do for exercise??" And I could tell by her voice and her look that she thought I was a big fat liar.  WHAT THE FREAK??? I workout so hard every morning that I'm covered in sweat, and I have had sore muscles somewhere in my body every day for the last 14 months.  14 months!! I have been building muscle for the last 14 month and her answer was ... "maybe you need to lose a little weight and change your diet and exercise."  *sigh*

She told me I need to not eat any sodium so I told her ... "I really don't."  She said "uh, sodium is in lots of things like canned goods and pre-packaged meals." DUH!! I don't eat ANY of those!! I know she didn't believe me.  She told me I could come back in after a couple of months of trying to change my diet and exercise and see if the blood pressure had improved.  Um, If nothing has changed in the last 14 months is 2 months really going to be life changing???

Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who gets treated this way when they see a doctor ... Please?!?

Lesson Learned: Phew

And I'm back.  Phew.  I spent a few hours feeling sorry for myself yesterday.  I mean I really reveled in it!!  I sat down and watched a "feel sorry for myself" chick flick instead of clean the house like I needed to.  Then ... I did some serious soul searching.  I did some more research on how to break a plateau.  And most important, I found my core.  I remembered WHY I am on this journey ... and this is what I came up with.

I love sweat! I do I do!

1) I workout because I WANT to! (Seriously.  I love it.  I didn't always love it, but I powered through until I did and now I need it.)

I mean, awesome right??

2) I wake up so freaking early to workout so I can exercise with my man ... and it's worth it just for that.  Also to have uninterrupted workout time.  I hope that some day our life will be different and we can sleep-in longer and still get to workout together and have uninterrupted workout time, but for now, we do it because it is worth it.

Happy and Ridiculous 

3) I am MORE than what my body looks like.  Yes I sometimes get distracted by how little progress I am making in the looks department, but I am MORE than that.  I am a mother of three incredible children, (who drive me insane, but still, they are mine) I'm the wife of a Marine, (who is almost never home so I enjoy every second we get to be together) I love exercising, hiking, camping, the ocean, friends, family, travel, movies, music, laughing and being ridiculous.

Muscle and a Beach

I'm not ripped, but that is definitely muscle!

4) My ultimate goal is to be more healthy by 35 than I was at 25 ... and health isn't a number on a scale or even how much fat is hanging over my shorts.  It's running and playing and low blood pressure and low cholesterol and healthy blood sugar levels and muscle and happiness.  I have all of those things.

I. Am. Happy.

5) I need to keep my eyes LOCKED FORWARD on my destination of a healthy lifestyle instead of focusing on how many obstacles still stand in my way. (Thank you Chalene Johnson for this one.)

And that's it.  I'm focused.  I found my core.  I'm back.  Phew.